Start With Yourself: “Get the Log Out” — The First Step in Biblical Peacemaking Part 3

Conflict has a way of pulling our focus outward. We zero in on what the other person said or did, how they hurt us, how wrong they were. Our internal dialogue becomes a running list of their faults—and we feel fully justified in our frustration.

But Jesus calls us to a radically different starting point. In His Sermon on the Mount, He tells us to begin not with the faults of others, but with our own.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? … First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
— Matthew 7:3–5

Ken Sande, in The Peacemaker, identifies this principle as one of the most challenging and effective steps in peacemaking. It requires humility, self-awareness, and a willingness to be shaped by the gospel. He calls it: “Get the Log Out.”

This step doesn’t mean you’re the only one at fault—or that other people’s actions don’t matter. But it does mean that the most powerful path toward peace begins with owning your part.

Let’s look at what that involves.

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1. Self-Examination: Start with Honest Reflection

Jesus’ metaphor of a log in the eye is vivid—and intentional. It illustrates how blind we can be to our own sin, especially when we’re consumed with the faults of others. That’s why biblical peacemaking starts with self-examination.

Ask yourself:

• What attitudes, words, or actions of mine contributed to this conflict?
• Am I responding with pride, fear, or a desire for control?
• Have I been quick to judge, slow to listen, or eager to defend myself?

Self-examination isn’t a vague sense of guilt—it’s a clear, prayerful process of asking God to reveal what’s really going on in your heart. As Psalm 139:23–24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart… See if there is any offensive way in me.”

Sometimes your contribution may be small, but even 10% responsibility is still your 10% to own. And that simple act of ownership can dramatically shift the atmosphere of a conflict.

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2. Heart Idols: Dig Beneath the Surface

Often, the roots of conflict lie deeper than surface-level behavior. James 4:1–3 gives us insight into the heart dynamics that fuel our fights:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”

Sande highlights that these desires—while not inherently wrong—can become idols when we demand them, prioritize them above obedience to God, or view them as non-negotiable.

For example:

• The desire for respect becomes an idol when we lash out at anyone who challenges our authority.
• The desire for peace becomes an idol when we avoid conflict to the point of dishonesty.
• The desire for control becomes an idol when we manipulate or dominate others to get our way.

By identifying these heart idols, we’re not just managing conflict—we’re growing spiritually. We’re allowing God to purify our desires and reshape our responses from the inside out.

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3. Confess Clearly: Use the Seven A’s of Confession

Once we’ve identified our contribution to a conflict, we need to confess it—not in vague or minimizing terms, but with clarity and sincerity. That’s where Sande’s Seven A’s of Confession come in. This practical framework helps us make confession a meaningful part of peacemaking.

The Seven A’s of Confession:

1. Address everyone involved
   Confess to each person affected by your actions—not just the ones you feel most comfortable talking to.
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe
   These words shift blame or water down your confession. Saying “I’m sorry if I hurt you” is not a real apology. Own it.
3. Admit specifically
   Don’t just say, “I messed up.” Say, “I was impatient and raised my voice. That was wrong.”
4. Acknowledge the hurt
   Let the other person know you see the impact of your actions. “I can see how that made you feel dismissed.”
5. Accept the consequences
   Whether it’s rebuilding trust, restoring what was broken, or simply allowing space for healing, show you’re willing to take responsibility.
6. Alter your behavior
   Repentance isn’t just words—it’s a change of direction. Let others know how you plan to act differently moving forward.
7. Ask for forgiveness (and allow time)
   This final step invites restoration. But don’t demand immediate resolution—give others the time and space they need to process.

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Why This Approach Matters

Some people fear that focusing on their own faults makes them vulnerable or lets the other person “off the hook.” But the opposite is true. Taking responsibility is one of the most disarming and powerful things you can do in conflict. It breaks down defensiveness. It models humility. And it opens the door to mutual honesty.

More importantly, it reflects the gospel.

Jesus didn’t wait for us to get it right before offering grace. He initiated reconciliation. He humbled Himself. He bore our sin. And when we “get the log out,” we walk in His footsteps.

Peacemaking isn’t just a set of tools—it’s a way of becoming more like Christ. And that transformation starts not with pointing fingers, but with open hands and a humble heart.

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Final Thought

“Get the log out” is not a one-time checklist item—it’s a lifestyle of humility and growth. Conflict gives us the opportunity to see ourselves more clearly, confess more freely, and love more deeply. It’s hard. It’s countercultural. But it’s also holy.

Before trying to fix the other person, start with yourself. Let the gospel do its work in you first. Because real peace doesn’t begin when others change—it begins when we do.

 

 

 

Inspired by Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker—a timeless guide to living out the gospel of peace in everyday life.