Assisted Peacemaking: When We Need Help to Heal Conflict Part 8



Conflict is a normal part of life, but not all disputes can be resolved easily or privately. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to reconcile directly, tensions remain, communication breaks down, or emotions run too high. That’s where assisted peacemaking comes in—a biblical and practical approach that recognizes when it’s time to invite outside help to restore peace.

Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker highlights this important step in conflict resolution. When private efforts fail or the situation is too complex, involving trusted third parties can make all the difference. Assisted peacemaking isn’t a sign of weakness or failure; rather, it’s a humble acknowledgment that relationships sometimes need extra care and guidance to heal.

Why Assisted Peacemaking Matters

When we face conflict, the Bible calls us first to seek reconciliation privately (Matthew 18:15). But what happens when that step doesn’t succeed? Or when the issues involve multiple people, complicated facts, or a power imbalance?

Sande explains that in such cases, relying on assisted peacemaking is wise and biblical. It protects everyone involved from harm, encourages accountability, and guides the process toward a just and loving outcome.

Bringing in impartial, trusted help doesn’t take away our responsibility to pursue peace. Instead, it honors God’s desire for justice, mercy, and reconciliation.

The Three Main Types of Assisted Peacemaking

Ken Sande outlines three primary forms of assistance in resolving conflict when private efforts are insufficient:

Type

Role

Mediation

 

 

Arbitration

 

Accountability

A third party helps communication and resolution between conflicting parties

 

A third party makes a binding decision to settle the dispute

 

A community or leadership group holds parties to agreements or encourages change

 

Let’s explore each type in more detail.

1. Mediation: Guiding Communication and Resolution

Mediation is often the first step in assisted peacemaking. It involves a neutral third party who facilitates dialogue between the conflicting parties. The mediator’s role is not to judge or decide who is right, but to help everyone communicate clearly, understand each other’s perspectives, and work toward mutually agreeable solutions.

The mediator:

  • Creates a safe, respectful environment for discussion
  • Encourages active listening and empathy
  • Helps clarify misunderstandings and uncover underlying needs
  • Guides the parties toward constructive problem-solving

Mediation is voluntary and confidential. It can be especially effective when emotions run high or communication has broken down. Because the parties retain control of the outcome, mediation often leads to durable, relationally healthy agreements.

2. Arbitration: Making a Binding Decision

When mediation is not possible or fails to resolve the conflict, arbitration may be necessary. In this model, a third party—often a respected leader or group—listens to both sides, reviews evidence, and makes a binding decision to settle the dispute.

Arbitration resembles a legal judgment but ideally is rooted in biblical principles of justice and mercy. The arbitrator’s goal is to provide a fair, clear resolution that honors truth and restores peace.

While arbitration limits the parties’ control over the outcome, it helps prevent ongoing conflict and brings closure where dialogue alone isn’t enough.

3. Accountability: Encouraging Change Through Community

Sometimes conflict involves ongoing behaviors or patterns that require more than one-time resolution. In these cases, accountability is a vital form of assisted peacemaking.

Accountability means involving a community or leadership body to:

  • Hold individuals responsible for their actions
  • Support and encourage repentance and behavioral change
  • Monitor progress and provide guidance
  • Protect others from harm or repeated offenses

This form of assistance often happens in churches, workplaces, or families where trusted leaders or groups oversee the health and integrity of relationships.

Accountability is about both justice and restoration—making sure agreements are kept and genuine transformation takes place.

Biblical Foundations for Assisted Peacemaking

The Bible affirms the value of involving others in difficult conflicts. Matthew 18:16 instructs:

“But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’”

This passage highlights the importance of witnesses in confirming truth and encouraging accountability. It’s a model for mediation and accountability within community.

Paul’s letters also emphasize church leadership’s role in guiding and restoring members (Galatians 6:1; 1 Timothy 5:20). These leaders serve as arbiters or accountability partners when conflicts threaten the peace and purity of the body.

When to Seek Assisted Peacemaking

Recognizing when to move beyond private reconciliation can be difficult but important. Signs you might need assisted peacemaking include:

  • Repeated failed attempts at direct reconciliation
  • Communication has broken down or become hostile
  • One or both parties are unwilling or unable to resolve the conflict alone
  • The conflict involves complex facts, legal issues, or multiple parties
  • Power imbalances or safety concerns exist
  • Ongoing patterns of harmful behavior need addressing

In these situations, seeking outside help honors God’s call to pursue peace wisely and humbly.

How to Choose and Work with Assistants

Selecting the right mediators, arbitrators, or accountability partners is crucial. Ideally, these should be:

  • Trusted and respected by all parties
  • Neutral and impartial
  • Spiritually mature and wise
  • Skilled in communication and conflict resolution
  • Committed to biblical truth and grace

Once chosen, clear expectations and confidentiality agreements help create a safe environment for healing.

All parties should enter assisted peacemaking with openness, humility, and a sincere desire for reconciliation.

Assisted Peacemaking Reflects God’s Heart

God is the ultimate peacemaker. He sent Christ to reconcile us to Himself and to one another (Colossians 1:20). Assisted peacemaking is an extension of this divine work—it helps break down walls of hostility and build bridges of peace when conflict feels too big for us to handle alone.

By embracing assistance, we demonstrate wisdom, courage, and faith that God can bring healing even in the toughest situations.

Conclusion: Don’t Go It Alone

Conflict doesn’t always resolve easily or privately. Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker teaches us that seeking help through assisted peacemaking is a biblical, practical step toward restoration.

Whether through mediation, arbitration, or accountability, involving trusted third parties can transform deadlocked conflicts into opportunities for grace, truth, and healing.

If you find yourself stuck in a conflict, remember: you don’t have to go it alone. God provides communities and leaders to walk alongside us and guide us back to peace.

May we have the humility to seek help when needed and the courage to pursue God’s path of reconciliation.

Inspired by Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker—a timeless guide for living out the gospel of peace in everyday life.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Charisma Trap: The Hidden Costs of Visionary Leadership

Image
In today’s church culture, charisma and vision often take center stage. Leaders with magnetic personalities, eloquent communication, and a bold sense of mission can generate impressive momentum. Churches grow. Excitement builds. People feel part of something significant. But what happens when that vision, however compelling, becomes the foundation of the church’s identity? What if the very qualities that spark growth also plant the seeds of dysfunction? The Allure of a Good Vision In many churches, especially larger or non-denominational ones, there’s a sense that  this  church has discovered a more effective, more world-changing expression of Christianity. Vision nights are filled with language like,  “We’re here to transform our city”  or  “This church is the hope of the world.” And the vision often includes genuinely good things: attend prayer meetings, join a small group, serve faithfully, build healthy spiritual rhythms. Who could argue with that? These are...
Read more

About This Blog

Image
When the church breaks your trust, but not your faith.  I never expected to be the kind of person who would write about church hurt. I believed in accountability. In asking hard questions. In searching the Scriptures. I wasn’t reckless with my trust. But sometimes even caution doesn’t protect you from spiritual abuse—especially when it’s wrapped in charisma, Scripture, and good intentions. This blog is my quiet place to process. To name things I can’t say out loud. To speak gently and truthfully about what happens when church becomes unsafe—and how to imagine something better. I’m writing not as an expert, but as someone who has lived through the slow unraveling of trust in a place that once felt like home. Someone who still loves Jesus but can no longer unsee what I’ve seen. Someone learning that safety, honesty, and healthy community are not too much to ask from the Body of Christ. If you’re wrestling with your own questions… If you’ve felt the ache of betrayal in a place that wa...
Read more

About Me

Image
  A Journey of Healing and Truth: My Story of Leaving an Unhealthy Church I have been a Christian my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a part of the church — volunteering in countless capacities, raising my kids in its embrace, going on mission trips, serving in camp ministry, and being a small group leader. I thought I had it all figured out. My life in church was good — I was popular, surrounded by church friends, and doing what I thought was the right thing. Then, COVID hit. Everything changed. The church shut down, and with it, so did everything I thought I knew about church life. For a while, everything was taken away. The activities, the meetings, the fellowship — it all disappeared. But through it all, I still had Jesus. I still sought Him. And in my seeking, my eyes began to open. For the first time, I started seeing the church differently. I began to see the church as an institution. I began to notice how polarized people had become. There was a disturb...
Read more